∫e mousquetaire XVI asked:


i feel completely hopeless and lost- like theres no way back, like im lost….ive left it too late…my goals in life are all unachievable….i have alot of problems……and here they are…prepare, its a long list :

i have prematurely aged at the 3o due to a hard life and stress.

i have bpd and ptsd- i feel i look a physical wreck, im bald, my skin looks colorless, dull, pasty, open pores…rough skin, dark deep lines under my eyes stretching to my cheek bones…i feel my eyes look like dark caverns.

my other physical imperfections are: i have 2 missing teeth, at the front, bottom row due to an accident years ago..

a crooked little finger that droops over due to an injury months ago…doesnt straiten even with a splint put on for weeks.

cracked skin, tears in the skin on the head of my penis that im waiting to see a dermatologist about…….openings in the skin that are pronounced all over the head.

torn ankle ligaments, it clicks when i move it, i have to be careful how i walk on it because i can twist it easy and go sprawling over on it– i will need surgery on it.

whilst having my ankle examined i was told i was flat footed, i was given insoles.

but whats really concerning me is my physical appearence, my face, the aging, dark lines, facial skin etc.
my facial skin looks colorless, dull, pasty, without a glow or vibrancy.

what do i do ?

How do i cope with the fact ive prematurely aged at 30 years old due to a hard life and stress ?
im a bpd and ptsd sufferer, iam 30 years old and have had a very rough life.
i have never built up any relationships in life with either male or female because of the trauma and mental health problems i sustained.

growing up and throughout my life i have been bullied severley….ive suffered assaults, muggings…time in a psyche hospital…survived alot of horrible thangs..

ive never been employed, never had qualifications….and have been on welfare benifit the majority of my life.

i suffer with extreme low self worth but iam also very vain in my mind.

i have physical imperfections that get me down, ive aged prematurley…dark lines under my eyes….im bald….i have 2 missing teeth, front, bottom row…need implants, which are expensive.
i have physical worries im having investigated at the moment…aching joints, frequent urination.
recentley ive made contact with a pale, milk bottle white, cute chubby redhead from kansas usa…..i messaged her from myspace and we exchanged messages and seemed to hit it off….since then…ive added her to msn…and ive been emailing her for a couple of months…..but theres some things shes doesnt know about me….and she hasnt seen pictures of me..
up to now ive done well…ive been polite, respectful….sent her nice upbeat emails.

she seems to be keen and be showing alot of interest…even said when am i going over to the states so she can ‘ ravish me ‘…..shes instant messaged me recentley and told me she cant wait to talk to me…..i told her in the last email that i found her extremely attractive, like expressing i liked her…so clearly shes been receptive to my advance..
the problem is im scared if she saw me, if she found out the truth of what im like, saw my physical imperfections…learned about all im dealing with and all my ‘lifes ‘ complications..learned i was really very unconfident….very un self assured, very insecure…had a big low self esteem…(where i struggle to even intitiate and maintain a conversation in any setting )……learned i was clingy and needy…that if she learned all this :- shed reject me.
and im worried because ive started to like her, and so far my emails have been successful…but i sense its getting to the part now where she would like to ‘ instant chat ‘ and maybe see my photos…then i fear i might find out she will reject me for who i really am and my appearence..
on a side note, i live in a small apartment, own no possessions, im waiting for therapy and feel totally worthless and hopeless because i realize i have nothing to offer her.

i look nothing like my avatar…..im terrified of her rejecting me…..and that the something good that ive found wont last………will end.

ive never built up any relationships ever in life because of the problems ive had..

what can i do ?

Emily