i feel completely hopeless and lost- like theres no way back, like im lost….ive left it too late…my goals in life are all unachievable….i have alot of problems……and here they are…prepare, its a long list :
i have prematurely aged at the 3o due to a hard life and stress.
i have bpd and ptsd- i feel i look a physical wreck, im bald, my skin looks colorless, dull, pasty, open pores…rough skin, dark deep lines under my eyes stretching to my cheek bones…i feel my eyes look like dark caverns.
my other physical imperfections are: i have 2 missing teeth, at the front, bottom row due to an accident years ago..
a crooked little finger that droops over due to an injury months ago…doesnt straiten even with a splint put on for weeks.
cracked skin, tears in the skin on the head of my penis that im waiting to see a dermatologist about…….openings in the skin that are pronounced all over the head.
torn ankle ligaments, it clicks when i move it, i have to be careful how i walk on it because i can twist it easy and go sprawling over on it– i will need surgery on it.
whilst having my ankle examined i was told i was flat footed, i was given insoles.
but whats really concerning me is my physical appearence, my face, the aging, dark lines, facial skin etc.
my facial skin looks colorless, dull, pasty, without a glow or vibrancy.
what do i do ?
How do i cope with the fact ive prematurely aged at 30 years old due to a hard life and stress ?
im a 30 year old Borderline personality disorder sufferer. ive faced nothing but pain, trauma, victimization in my life.
ive never been employed…never made any friends, never had a girlfriend…
i live on welfare in a one bedroom apartment on my own….havent got a supportive family….they blame me for everything…the unhappiness thats happened throughout my life is all of my own doing in their eyes…..they impose on me and suppressed me growing up…..now ive distanced myself from them.
i have symptoms of ptsd, depression, aggrophobia, panic disorder…i have anger problems, that went suppressed due to extensive bullying.
im trying to get the right help & treatment for my problems which is going slow.
im at such a disadvantage in life as regards achieving life goals.,,,im starting at such a late stage at 30 with no employment history…a long mental health record…whos gonna accept me??
i have dreams & ambitions i dont no how to reach
that will be impossible to reach because of my situation
in life.
i want to emigrate from britain, build a new life..find
happiness…find employment, a good job…..a loving
partner….some friends….i wanted to emigrate to the
usa….somewhere hot, where theres a beach…
but none of that will happen i no….my situation is
to difficult..
i feel brandished because of my mental health problems
like people will hold it against me…..ill be ostracized.
i dont want to stay in britain ( saying through clenched
teeth)
i want out…to build a new life else where..but look at
my circumstances? what chance have i got?
i cold and alone, lonely..no one to turn to, except a
few online friends….
so is there hope? or should i kill myself too prevent
further pain?
i mean….can anyone blame me for feeling enraged and jealous at happy people ?
one things for sure, i hate england and want out !
i feel like theres no hope for me……i should be locked away in a small room forever……i exist in a small flat feeling stuck……that im never going anywhere…
it feels hopeless…..ive aged bad and look like shhht……dark lines and a bald head…….other physical imperfections and worries..
Tyler